Before we moved to Iowa, I could count the times on my hand that Chris and I loaded up the van and took all the children (and pet(s)) on a road trip. You know how many times? 0. 0 times did we do that.
Want to know why?
Because we wished to remain sane.
We also never had the money to go on a trip, with me being in school full-time and him working to take care of all of us. Plus, he had a lot of golfing to do (and that's not anything that fills me with rage at all.....). Anyway...
Moving to Iowa means that now we always have a vacation destination: home. Yup. The flat plains of Illinois, where I spent 35 1/2 years of my life, are now our retreat. The place where we longed to escape from is now where we escape to (irony is pretty thick up in these parts).
So, with summer having struck and family graduations happening at home, we loaded up the family truckster and headed to Illinois. We meaning: Chris, Me, Maisy, Wyatt, James, Violet, Axel, all of our luggage, Chris's golf clubs (insert hissing sound here), and a lot of Chris's tree equipment.
Which means that we were trapped in a vehicle together, for 6 hours, that smelled of gasoline and dog and sounded much more horrible.
The panting. THE ENDLESS PANTING - and no, I'm not talking about Chris. Axel panted the entire time. And when I say entire time, I mean it. No. Exaggeration. He's not a good car rider either, so there was panting/whining and a bit of frustrated sighing coming from that 140 pound dog.
I had armed myself with my iPod full of tunes and mostly just ignored everyone the entire time...shuffling music, refusing to be bothered by fits of insanity coming from the back seat. Believe it or not, our ride to Illinois was actually really good. We stopped one time (my rules. I only stop once) and made it in less than 6 hours.
The choruses of "I have to Pee" were answered with "You had your shot. Deal with it" by me and Chris took a long nap (with the help of ear plugs and a pillow that is thick enough to be soundproof).
Our trip back from Illinois seemed much more hectic and for some reason lasted a good 9 hours.
Now how is that possible you ask?
I'll tell you.
We were on Chris rules.
Chris declared himself in charge for the ride back.
Because he's so good with time management.....said no one ever.
Being the kind wife that I am, I humored him.
PLUS, I knew that this would keep him from ever wanting to be in charge of a road trip again. Sometimes, they just have to learn the hard way... you know?
So, we said goodbye to Mahomet and packed up the car: with one less kid and 2 more bags of luggage. Maisy had voted to stay in Illinois for the month (lucky little shit) and we had hit some major sales while we were home.
Despite the fact we were one kid less, it seemed like our car was twice as full. Axel did NOT want to load into it, and I think he was saying "I vote to stay too!" but we don't speak dog, so he was SOL.
We had been on the road for a total of 5 minutes when Chris needed to stop. Part of this stop was to drop something off at my parent's house, and pick up James at a friends house, but most of the stop was about chewing tobacco. It's about $4 cheaper in IL and Chris was loading up.
Okay. First stop down. Finally on our way.
We managed to drive FOR AN HOUR.
AN HOUR.
A FREAKING HOUR.
And he has to get out of the car.
We hit Peoria and the first thing out of his mouth is, "Hey. You guys drop me off at the boat. I'm feeling lucky. I'll give you some money" (hands me $40) "you go to Kohl's and get some shorts or something."
Oh yeah. Cause I can shop with 3 kids and a dog. No problem. You go right on ahead and gamble, while I maneuver this wagon of crazies through a town I don't know....and then go shopping.
Perfect.
Is that what we did?
You bet.
Here's how it went: Chris spent 40 minutes on the boat and won $240. I spent 25 minutes in Kohl's and lost my sanity (and bought 1 pair of shorts, two shirts, and some earrings for $36!).
We left Axel in the car while we were in Kohl's (leaving windows partially open mind you) and he spent the entire time scaring the bejeezeus out of people in the parking lot.
I spent my time in Kohl's frantically looking for a pair of shorts while Violet hurled insults at me, "Did you know your legs are kind of round?" "Oh, I don't know about those shorts. Did you see how they make your butt look?" "Why do you take so long? This is taking FOREVER."
Oh, i'm sorry. Are you busy? Are you desperate to get back into the van of insanity?
I spent less than half an hour in that store, and I'm pretty sure I lost half of my life.
We loaded back into the van, building the wall that must contain Axel. A wall that consisted of a suitcase, pillow, and bag of dogfood. Axel smote this wall many a time, but it was necessary in order to keep him from lumbering up front to slobber all over me while I drive.
If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's dog slobber. Hate that.
So, Wyatt ended up sitting in the back seat with him (covered in dog slobber...but Wyatt had declared vacation as his personal hiatus from hygiene and didn't seem to care).
The kids and I got to the boat parking lot and sent Chris a series of texts.
First text:
"We're here! I got some good deals. Was frustrating. Ready to hit the road though!"
Second text:
"Hey! Love you. Let's get on the road!"
Third text:
"For real. I'm stressing out. Things here aren't good. They aren't good Chris."
Fourth text:
"Ima gonna kill your kids. Straight up, yo."
Fifth text:
"I don't care if you have won $50,000 get your ASS out here before I get in there and drag it out."
Sixth text:
"There is no more Kelly, only Zeul."
While waiting for him in that van, I laid down Wyatt law. I couldn't take it anymore - James and Violet were fighting worse than any cat and dog ever has.
So, Wyatt enforced his rule - which meant beat downs.
You would think that Wyatt law would keep them from acting up ---but apparently Violet and James live for a good ass whoopin. So, Wyatt law gave way to mom law...which is not physical but more verbal: "I've had it. I've just had it. I give up. I'm having all new children, and selling you guys at the farmer's market" Mom law doesn't work either.
Chris FINALLY came out of the boat, happy and skipping (because he'd won money) and said, "let's stop and get something to eat."
That's the last thing I wanted to do. We were on a 6 hour drive and had stopped for an hour already, only an hour into the trip!
But, this was Chris rules.
So, we ate. Axel had to stay in the car, where he terrified passerbys and drooled all over the steering wheel and driver's seat (still wringing out my pants....).
After lunch we were FINALLY on the road. We drove, in relative quiet, until Galesburg (which is only about another hour from Peoria) when Chris "Had to get out because his feet were asleep."
I was beginning to think the ride would never end.
I took this opportunity to walk Axel around and basically was drug clear across the Galesburg Casey's parking lot - while Chris and the kids leisurely used the bathroom and bought snacks.
"Looks like you got a big dog there" "Is he walking you or you walking him?" "Wow. What's his name? Cujo?"
Said the numerous amount of people attempting to be funny.
I answered them with a wry grin, which bordered on insane...and probably was the reason why they hurried away from me.
Loaded up again. on the road. I say, "How about everyone take naps?"
That's the last thing everyone wanted to do.
They were more concerned with fighting over a pillow, struck with hysteria over a missing lego gal's hair, and worried about the stray arm that was lingering on their side of the car.
Chris slept.
Finally we reached Ottumwa, which is exactly 2 hours from our house in Creston. We have a place that we frequently stop here on our road trip....a last stretch so to speak. As we are nearing this place, I see Chris sit up in his chair, the kids look hopeful, even Axel looked happy.....
And I said, "No. Just. No."
Drove on by.
There were whimpers from everyone in the car, but I think they had noticed my right eye was twitching pretty severely and decided to not complain.
After having left Mahomet at 10am, we rolled into Creston at 7pm. Yep. 9 hours.
NINE HOURS later.
Chris turns and looks at me and said, "You know. That wasn't that bad of a drive."
That bad of a drive?
For real?
It took us THREE HOURS LONGER.
We stopped FOUR TIMES.
I chewed a hole in my cheek!
!!!!!!!
However, I didn't murder anyone and we made it home safely. So, I guess he was right. It wasn't that bad of a drive.
Off to mop up the 1000 pounds of dog slobber that now reside in my van.....
Want to know why?
Because we wished to remain sane.
We also never had the money to go on a trip, with me being in school full-time and him working to take care of all of us. Plus, he had a lot of golfing to do (and that's not anything that fills me with rage at all.....). Anyway...
Moving to Iowa means that now we always have a vacation destination: home. Yup. The flat plains of Illinois, where I spent 35 1/2 years of my life, are now our retreat. The place where we longed to escape from is now where we escape to (irony is pretty thick up in these parts).
So, with summer having struck and family graduations happening at home, we loaded up the family truckster and headed to Illinois. We meaning: Chris, Me, Maisy, Wyatt, James, Violet, Axel, all of our luggage, Chris's golf clubs (insert hissing sound here), and a lot of Chris's tree equipment.
Which means that we were trapped in a vehicle together, for 6 hours, that smelled of gasoline and dog and sounded much more horrible.
The panting. THE ENDLESS PANTING - and no, I'm not talking about Chris. Axel panted the entire time. And when I say entire time, I mean it. No. Exaggeration. He's not a good car rider either, so there was panting/whining and a bit of frustrated sighing coming from that 140 pound dog.
I had armed myself with my iPod full of tunes and mostly just ignored everyone the entire time...shuffling music, refusing to be bothered by fits of insanity coming from the back seat. Believe it or not, our ride to Illinois was actually really good. We stopped one time (my rules. I only stop once) and made it in less than 6 hours.
The choruses of "I have to Pee" were answered with "You had your shot. Deal with it" by me and Chris took a long nap (with the help of ear plugs and a pillow that is thick enough to be soundproof).
Our trip back from Illinois seemed much more hectic and for some reason lasted a good 9 hours.
Now how is that possible you ask?
I'll tell you.
We were on Chris rules.
Chris declared himself in charge for the ride back.
Because he's so good with time management.....said no one ever.
Being the kind wife that I am, I humored him.
PLUS, I knew that this would keep him from ever wanting to be in charge of a road trip again. Sometimes, they just have to learn the hard way... you know?
So, we said goodbye to Mahomet and packed up the car: with one less kid and 2 more bags of luggage. Maisy had voted to stay in Illinois for the month (lucky little shit) and we had hit some major sales while we were home.
Despite the fact we were one kid less, it seemed like our car was twice as full. Axel did NOT want to load into it, and I think he was saying "I vote to stay too!" but we don't speak dog, so he was SOL.
We had been on the road for a total of 5 minutes when Chris needed to stop. Part of this stop was to drop something off at my parent's house, and pick up James at a friends house, but most of the stop was about chewing tobacco. It's about $4 cheaper in IL and Chris was loading up.
Okay. First stop down. Finally on our way.
We managed to drive FOR AN HOUR.
AN HOUR.
A FREAKING HOUR.
And he has to get out of the car.
We hit Peoria and the first thing out of his mouth is, "Hey. You guys drop me off at the boat. I'm feeling lucky. I'll give you some money" (hands me $40) "you go to Kohl's and get some shorts or something."
Oh yeah. Cause I can shop with 3 kids and a dog. No problem. You go right on ahead and gamble, while I maneuver this wagon of crazies through a town I don't know....and then go shopping.
Perfect.
Is that what we did?
You bet.
Here's how it went: Chris spent 40 minutes on the boat and won $240. I spent 25 minutes in Kohl's and lost my sanity (and bought 1 pair of shorts, two shirts, and some earrings for $36!).
We left Axel in the car while we were in Kohl's (leaving windows partially open mind you) and he spent the entire time scaring the bejeezeus out of people in the parking lot.
I spent my time in Kohl's frantically looking for a pair of shorts while Violet hurled insults at me, "Did you know your legs are kind of round?" "Oh, I don't know about those shorts. Did you see how they make your butt look?" "Why do you take so long? This is taking FOREVER."
Oh, i'm sorry. Are you busy? Are you desperate to get back into the van of insanity?
I spent less than half an hour in that store, and I'm pretty sure I lost half of my life.
We loaded back into the van, building the wall that must contain Axel. A wall that consisted of a suitcase, pillow, and bag of dogfood. Axel smote this wall many a time, but it was necessary in order to keep him from lumbering up front to slobber all over me while I drive.
If there is one thing I cannot stand, it's dog slobber. Hate that.
So, Wyatt ended up sitting in the back seat with him (covered in dog slobber...but Wyatt had declared vacation as his personal hiatus from hygiene and didn't seem to care).
The kids and I got to the boat parking lot and sent Chris a series of texts.
First text:
"We're here! I got some good deals. Was frustrating. Ready to hit the road though!"
Second text:
"Hey! Love you. Let's get on the road!"
Third text:
"For real. I'm stressing out. Things here aren't good. They aren't good Chris."
Fourth text:
"Ima gonna kill your kids. Straight up, yo."
Fifth text:
"I don't care if you have won $50,000 get your ASS out here before I get in there and drag it out."
Sixth text:
"There is no more Kelly, only Zeul."
While waiting for him in that van, I laid down Wyatt law. I couldn't take it anymore - James and Violet were fighting worse than any cat and dog ever has.
So, Wyatt enforced his rule - which meant beat downs.
You would think that Wyatt law would keep them from acting up ---but apparently Violet and James live for a good ass whoopin. So, Wyatt law gave way to mom law...which is not physical but more verbal: "I've had it. I've just had it. I give up. I'm having all new children, and selling you guys at the farmer's market" Mom law doesn't work either.
Chris FINALLY came out of the boat, happy and skipping (because he'd won money) and said, "let's stop and get something to eat."
That's the last thing I wanted to do. We were on a 6 hour drive and had stopped for an hour already, only an hour into the trip!
But, this was Chris rules.
So, we ate. Axel had to stay in the car, where he terrified passerbys and drooled all over the steering wheel and driver's seat (still wringing out my pants....).
After lunch we were FINALLY on the road. We drove, in relative quiet, until Galesburg (which is only about another hour from Peoria) when Chris "Had to get out because his feet were asleep."
I was beginning to think the ride would never end.
I took this opportunity to walk Axel around and basically was drug clear across the Galesburg Casey's parking lot - while Chris and the kids leisurely used the bathroom and bought snacks.
"Looks like you got a big dog there" "Is he walking you or you walking him?" "Wow. What's his name? Cujo?"
Said the numerous amount of people attempting to be funny.
I answered them with a wry grin, which bordered on insane...and probably was the reason why they hurried away from me.
Loaded up again. on the road. I say, "How about everyone take naps?"
That's the last thing everyone wanted to do.
They were more concerned with fighting over a pillow, struck with hysteria over a missing lego gal's hair, and worried about the stray arm that was lingering on their side of the car.
Chris slept.
Finally we reached Ottumwa, which is exactly 2 hours from our house in Creston. We have a place that we frequently stop here on our road trip....a last stretch so to speak. As we are nearing this place, I see Chris sit up in his chair, the kids look hopeful, even Axel looked happy.....
And I said, "No. Just. No."
Drove on by.
There were whimpers from everyone in the car, but I think they had noticed my right eye was twitching pretty severely and decided to not complain.
After having left Mahomet at 10am, we rolled into Creston at 7pm. Yep. 9 hours.
NINE HOURS later.
Chris turns and looks at me and said, "You know. That wasn't that bad of a drive."
That bad of a drive?
For real?
It took us THREE HOURS LONGER.
We stopped FOUR TIMES.
I chewed a hole in my cheek!
!!!!!!!
However, I didn't murder anyone and we made it home safely. So, I guess he was right. It wasn't that bad of a drive.
Off to mop up the 1000 pounds of dog slobber that now reside in my van.....
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